


Any other child

by dustenigmas



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Internal Conflict, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Motherhood, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29344026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustenigmas/pseuds/dustenigmas
Summary: An insight into Marisa's conflicted feelings towards her daughter and the realization of the magnitude of the love she feels for Lyra.[...] Marisa couldn't live in a world without her daughter, not anymore. If that choice had to be made a few years ago, she probably wouldn't have thought twice, or if it was any other child... The decision would be easy, quick, and headache-free. Except it wasn't. [...]
Relationships: Lyra Belacqua & Marisa Coulter, Lyra Belacqua/Pantalaimon, Marisa Coulter & Marisa Coulter's Daemon
Kudos: 28





	Any other child

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I can't stop imagining what it was like for Marisa to realize that she would have to go against her own values if she wanted to protect Lyra.  
> I hope you enjoy this one-shot!

Marisa grew up surrounded by the towering presence of the Magisterium. The presence both terrified and inspired the admiration of some men. Belief in the words of God and the Magisterium's reinforced teachings were to Marisa a deep-rooted thing, part of her deepest thoughts and fears. For a time, she would have done anything to maintain the Magisterium's authority. 

As a woman, she only had credibility and strength in the world if she was allied to the teachings the Magisterium transmitted, even if it meant abandoning part of her dreams. In the other world, Marisa realized that she could have been so much more, she saw that they had no restrictions for women to pursue study and obtain a doctorate - something that was denied to her, as well as authorship of her own research. 

That was not the only thing that bothered her. Marisa could have been a mother, a real mother in that other world. A wonder that the world showed was that a woman was allowed to work and care for a child at the same time, without being penalized for it. An advancement that her original world had not yet accepted. 

Mother. The word almost sounded strange in her mouth, as if it didn't really belong to her, as if she wasn't a mother. Marisa was a mother, a mother who had taken time to take on her own daughter and who might have taken even longer, the woman didn't know if she would have told Lyra one day. At least the Gippians had done a good job of telling their daughter her true origin. A child born of the sin of Marisa and Asriel. 

"She is Eve" 

The witch's words could not have caused Marisa a bigger shock. The woman knew that a great prophecy surrounded Lyra, that her daughter had a huge journey ahead of her, and that she would inevitably suffer. However, she did not expect a prophecy that involved something so massive, something that would change the fate of everyone in her world and the others. 

Marisa stared at her daemon with irritation, the golden monkey represented all she hid inside of her: the fear for her own daughter, the fear of her own daughter. Lyra did not understand the grandeur of her life and the danger of her existence, since she could be the one responsible for bringing chaos, and for contaminating the world with sin... with dust. 

The golden monkey's fear highlighted what Marisa feared most. A part of her believed that Lyra's existence was a real threat, one that should be eliminated. After all, her job on the Oblation Board was to rid the world of the threat of dust, to make the world a place with no room for sin; all that Lyra's existence could potentially cause. 

As a mother, she could never kill her own daughter, the child she had forced herself to forget for twelve long years. Lyra had suffered enough. She simply could not kill Lyra, she did not know how she came to love the runaway girl so intensely, but it was too late now... Her daughter had become her greatest weakness. 

Marisa stared at the sky, already orange-tinged by the approaching end of the day. She had to make a decision, a decision that involved her relationship with her daughter. Both beginning and ending of what she knew. 

Lyra would not be killed, not by her own hands and nor by any other. Lyra would be protected. The golden monkey gazed at Marisa fearfully, he was scared of the risks they would take just now, exposed to a life unprotected by The Magisterium, and going in the opposite direction of the work they had put time and effort into. 

Marisa was not emotionally connected to the golden monkey, not like the other people in her world. The disconnection portrayed a particular characteristic of herself, the yearning to hide her weaknesses and fears from the outside world. Any and every glimpse of weakness the daemon showed resulted in a series of punishments - which injured them both. 

The woman kicked the daemon, yelled at him. A picture of the internal strife that was going through Marisa's head. The hatred for her weakness, and also for the love she had for her daughter being so overwhelming that it made her give up her very values.

The whole route guided by the specters was strange. Marisa felt strange, the golden monkey felt stranger. They didn't talk, which was not new, but this time they were even more distant if that was only possible. 

As Marisa found Lyra, she knew the little girl would run, scream, and try to escape her mother's longing-laden embrace. Marisa understood her to a certain extent, she knew how wrong she had been with the girl. However, she didn't agree with the contempt her daughter had grown to hold for her since the first and only fight between the daemons - she didn't consider Pantalaimon's attack.

The golden monkey didn't need to be given an order, nor a signal. He approached Pan and held him between his hands, while Marisa woke her daughter with a gentle caress. The girl's daemon was no peer for the monkey- far more prepared for a fight and already had the upper hand. 

"Hello, Lyra."

The girl's frightened look was heartbreaking, especially Marisa's. All the woman wanted at that moment was the tight, affection-filled hug the girl had offered when they first met at Jordan College. Now, Marisa was there with her daughter struggling in her arms, giving up everything she'd built, risking putting the world in endless sin. 

"How? Let me go! Let me go! WILL! SERAFINA!" Lyra cried out as she tried to free herself from her mother's grip. 

Marisa fought one last inner battle: it would be much easier to end the whole mess right at that moment. She still kept the pot with the poison she used on Boreal, it would be quick and almost painless; she could still hold her daughter in her arms one last time and comfort her with false promises that everything would be alright. The magisterium would accept her and welcome her with open arms, proud of her service for the good of the authority.

Nonsense. 

Marisa couldn't live in a world without her daughter, not anymore. If that choice had to be made a few years ago, she probably wouldn't have thought twice, or if it was any other child... The decision would be easy, quick, and headache-free. Except it wasn't. 

"Lyra, I just want to protect you. Please, if you'll stop struggling for a second..." 

Lyra didn't want to talk, she wanted to run away as always. 

"Will's gonna find me, he's gonna find me!" 

At that moment Marisa understood everything, the grip on her daughter's body became stronger, as if reinforcing every attachment she had on the girl. Lyra's new friend is the person who would tempt her, the one who would tempt Eve. 

Marisa would never let him near her daughter again. If that was the only way to keep her daughter safe and prevent the world from being contaminated by the dust, then that would be her greatest goal in life. The woman knew Lyra wouldn't understand. 

Will would never tempt her, Will would never come near Lyra again, Will was no longer a threat. Marisa had reached her daughter and would take Lyra to a place where he would no longer find her.

"I'll look after you, dear." Marisa stroked her daughter's dirty hair;

And with a bottle containing nothing but a tranquilizer, Marisa doped her daughter with considerable difficulty. The mother's heart seemed to break into several pieces with the hurt and wounded look Lyra gave her. 

The situation wasn't ideal, but it was what they had. 

"You are Eve before the fall, this time you will not fall... I will make sure of that, my dear." Marisa whispered fondly to her sleeping daughter. 

The decision was made and with it, there would come the consequences: a life of anonymity, they would live as fugitives, and above all Marisa would prevent her daughter's paths from crossing with Will's. 

The love for Lyra was blinding her and preventing her from making decisions as clearly as before - Marisa knew that. But the decision to keep her daughter alive and in her arms seemed nothing but the most certain decision of her entire life. 

Love was a feeling Marisa had suppressed for years and avoided thinking about. She just wanted to exert power to have the most comfortable life possible and be respected in every way possible. It had been years of trying to recover her status in society again after the affair with Asriel and the bastard child had put her name in the mire. That situation forced her to live in the shadows in the early years. The fragile figure had become a majestic one and was about to dominate all the decisions of the magisterium in the near future. 

Marisa laughed disbelievingly. 

The feeling she feared the most was the one that motivated her to go against the magisterium, which made her make perhaps the stupidest decision in her entire life. Her love for Lyra was unconditional and immeasurable. 

Lyra was the world to her and that realization came powerfully. 

That afternoon on the mountainside, Marisa cried. The woman cried like never before in her life, with her sleeping daughter lying in her arms. Love for Lyra was all she needed and didn't know, it was what was missing in her life. 

A life without Lyra was no life at all. 

"I love you, my darling. I love you."


End file.
